So its been five days since the abortion and holy shit do my boobs hurt. This was not something I was expecting. I didn't even think about my milk coming in. It's not a constant pain. Sometimes I will get horrible aches randomly like right this second. Sometimes I'll move a certain way and they will just start throbbing. Sometimes it's so uncomfortable I cant even move. I thought some extra strength Tylenol would help but nope! So my advice is to not use heat because it will only increase milk production and to ice the hell out of them. Frozen peas, a cool shower, or freeze your bra! It seriously worked the best for me. And also keep them snug and cozy but not too snug. It will get worse if you wear a bra that's too tight. Camisoles work great or sports bras. I do not recommend push ups. I could let some milk out if I wanted but that would freak me out way too much! I did some searching on the web and the milk should dry up within seven to ten days. I don't know if that immediately begins when the pregnancy is lost or after they start hurting but I sure hope its sometime soon for me because it's seriously painful for me.
The bleeding has almost stopped. There is barely any blood on the pad and I only passed one clot that was smaller than my pinkie nail. Once the bleeding stops for two days straight I think it will be time to stop the pads. I'm going to keep them around just incase but they're so uncomfortable. It feels like I'm wearing a diaper. But I just got the Always Infinity pads that are 10 times more comfortable and less noticeable than the regular diaperish pads. And the Nexplanon implant I got is healing great! I've barely had any bruising or discomfort. Its too early to see how I react to it but so far I like the idea of not having to worry about pregnancy for the next three years. Still have to worry about STDs but I'm clean and always plan on keeping it that way!
Well I was at work and saw a mother with her new born baby. I did not deny myself looking at her and feeling grief. I wanted to look. It was a difficult decision I made but I'm not going to deny my need to grieve. I'm not going to go into denial about my grief. But I'm also not going to wallow in it. I looked at that pretty baby girl and I let myself feel the grief I need to move on but when the moment of grief passed I let it pass. I went outside for five minutes and soaked myself in a beautiful, warm, sunny and rare mid January day. But what has helped me the most is my new "life resolution." In the past three days I've gone to bed early and wake up around six. I start my day with warm water and lemon, very light yoga, and a beautiful healthy breakfast with a fresh cup of coffee and I eat two more balanced meals, two snacks in between, and a fruity midnight snack to help me sleep witout being too full. I've been drinking NOTHING but water and all that plus the ten minutes of yoga in the morning has helped me lose weight so fast! I dropped seven pounds of something in the last three days. I don't feel bloated or groggy. I have energy from the time I wake up until about an hour before I go to sleep. It's not something that I'm gonna do for a week and give up. It just happened. Like I subconsciously decided I need a positive change in my life to deal with this and it just happened! And even though its only been three days I'm feeling so much better physically and emotionally. I've decided to take an unpleasant situation and turn it around into something that lets me feel my grief but actually makes me feel ma whole lot better. So I decided to go with it and stick to it because taking control of my body doesn't mean just being on birth control.
Along with that I'm 19 years old (today is my birthday!) I work full time at a mom and pop restaurant and hardly make enough money. When I found out I was pregnant I was over $1,000 dollars in debt. Wish seems like nothing to some people but to me it was very stressful and just yesterday I got every single bill paid, I paid for a $535 procedure, bought a computer, and still have a few hundred left to start my car savings. I got that done all by myself within four months without help from anyone and I'm really proud of that. But it didn't just happen. I worked my ass off (85 hours) and it was not easy or fun. But the lessons and sense of accomplishment and self worth that I got out of the whole experience is completely worth it. Good things come to people who want it and really have the motivation to stick to their goals. I found my motivation in a difficult experience. But it changed my life for the better.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
The Protester
I wanted to take some time to write about the protester that was outside the day of my abortion. Something he said really hit a nerve and I cant seem to get it out of my head.
As me and my friend were walking into the clinic I noticed a protestor. As I was walking up to the door he held up a sign. I didn't look at it. It is my right to do what I want with my body, not his, so I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of looking at him or listening to him. I walked in the door and he yelled "You know he doesn't care about you. Those people don't either. I'm the only one who cares." That really got me because I really have no patience for people who say such ignorant things. All I wanted to do was walk up to him and say "Do you care that I work 80 hours a week and still make no money? Do you care that the father broke my car, stole my money so I couldn't get this abortion, and was cheating on me since day one? Do you care that when I told him about the pregnancy he told me he would run away so I couldn't make him pay child support? Do you care that he still wanted me to keep the baby after he obviously shown that he did not care about me or his unborn child? Do you know that the people in this office only care if my decision is right for me? Did you know they gave me every chance to decide if I wanted to keep the baby and never pushed either decision on me in any way? You do not care about me. You don't know my story or what I have gone through. So please take your sign and shove it up your ass."
There is so much I wanted to say to that man. Sure he has a right to his opinion and free speech. But you do not have the right to shove anything in my face just to get your own way. Women are going to get abortions whether they are legal or not. Would you want to see thousands of women suffer from back alley abortions just because you do not believe in them? I don't believe in polygamy but do I walk around with morbid posters trying to get people who do believe in it to stop what they are doing? No. It makes them happy. They live their life the way they want to and make a decision that they feel is right. It's not affecting me in any way. I don't know those people. If they want to marry six different people why shouldn't they have a right to live that way!?
As me and my friend were walking into the clinic I noticed a protestor. As I was walking up to the door he held up a sign. I didn't look at it. It is my right to do what I want with my body, not his, so I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of looking at him or listening to him. I walked in the door and he yelled "You know he doesn't care about you. Those people don't either. I'm the only one who cares." That really got me because I really have no patience for people who say such ignorant things. All I wanted to do was walk up to him and say "Do you care that I work 80 hours a week and still make no money? Do you care that the father broke my car, stole my money so I couldn't get this abortion, and was cheating on me since day one? Do you care that when I told him about the pregnancy he told me he would run away so I couldn't make him pay child support? Do you care that he still wanted me to keep the baby after he obviously shown that he did not care about me or his unborn child? Do you know that the people in this office only care if my decision is right for me? Did you know they gave me every chance to decide if I wanted to keep the baby and never pushed either decision on me in any way? You do not care about me. You don't know my story or what I have gone through. So please take your sign and shove it up your ass."
There is so much I wanted to say to that man. Sure he has a right to his opinion and free speech. But you do not have the right to shove anything in my face just to get your own way. Women are going to get abortions whether they are legal or not. Would you want to see thousands of women suffer from back alley abortions just because you do not believe in them? I don't believe in polygamy but do I walk around with morbid posters trying to get people who do believe in it to stop what they are doing? No. It makes them happy. They live their life the way they want to and make a decision that they feel is right. It's not affecting me in any way. I don't know those people. If they want to marry six different people why shouldn't they have a right to live that way!?
Recovery Part 3
So it has been 24 hours since the d&e and I'm feeling fine. I'm not bleeding onto the pad but there is a little bit when I wipe. I was a little gassy and crampy last night and my mind was a bit restless so I found it hard to fall asleep but when I did I slept well.
I'm having some mixed feelings about the abortion last night. I know it was the right choice but I'm human and I do have a heart so I do feel quite guilty. But there are so many children all ready in this world who are abused, neglected, starved, homeless, and just cannot find a home in this world. Some grow up into their adult years in foster care with so solid and loving home. That could've been my child. Or I could've kept the child but I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to give him/her all the great opportunities in life because I simply cannot provide that. I don't feel good saying all of this because on some level I feel like I'm making excuses but I also know that if abortion wasn't the right choice for me then I wouldn't have been able to go through with it.
I'm having some mixed feelings about the abortion last night. I know it was the right choice but I'm human and I do have a heart so I do feel quite guilty. But there are so many children all ready in this world who are abused, neglected, starved, homeless, and just cannot find a home in this world. Some grow up into their adult years in foster care with so solid and loving home. That could've been my child. Or I could've kept the child but I know for a fact I wouldn't be able to give him/her all the great opportunities in life because I simply cannot provide that. I don't feel good saying all of this because on some level I feel like I'm making excuses but I also know that if abortion wasn't the right choice for me then I wouldn't have been able to go through with it.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Recovery Part 2
So its been a few hours since I got home from the clinic. For the first three hours or so I had somewhat heavy bleeding (like the start of a period) and passed a very tiny clot. I've had very mild period like cramps with very few heavy ones but I think it was because I stood up too fast. The bleeding got lighter and lighter and right now at 1:34 a.m. I have no bleeding at all but that could change within the hour. It all depends on your own body. I took one 400 mg ibuprofen even though I didn't really need to as my cramps have been non-severe ever since the procedure was finished. I've been eating and drinking a lot of fluid and resting all day. I'm feeling more relieved than anything. There are so many children out there that are starving or abused or in foster care or can't find anyone to adopt them. For those who went to a good home...they are very lucky. Not every child put up for adoption gets the opportunity to grow up in a stable and loving home. So for now I guess I can say I'm emotionally and physically okay. I have no regrets so far. I had a positive abortion experience and even though I was 100% comfortable with my decision before I even made the appointment I believe the way I was treated helped me tremendously with my recovery as a whole...even though I'm not technically 100% recovered.
Dilation & Evacuation and Recovery
I woke up with terrible back pains. All I wanted to do was sleep the day away but I knew as soon as it was all over I would feel so much better.
I arrived at the clinic at 9:30 a.m. and five minutes later I was taken into the recovery room where I was to sit and wait for my IV. I took advantage of the heating pad and reclining chair and made myself comfortable. When it was finally my turn for the IV insertion I was extremely nervous. It was going to by my first one and I didn't know what to expect. The most uncomfortable part was the tourniquet. The needle was a bit of a pinch but nothing to bad. After it was all done I sat there for another hour before I was taken into the operating room. My nurse from the previous day was there and nice as ever. I was told to remove my bottoms and lie on the table. It was freezing so she gave me a blanket and let me recline my feet. The doctor was going to be a while because she was doing another procedure so my nurse put on some smooth jazz and let me relax. Except I couldn't relax. The back pain I was experiencing was normal but I just could not get comfortable. After a half hour of waiting alone my nurse came back in and talked to me. It relaxed me a lot more than anything else. Just five minutes after that I was given an oxygen mask and my first dosage of my conscious sedation. The last thing I remember was asking "Am I going to die?" and the nurse replying "One day but today is not your day."
Fifteen minutes later I was woken up by a soft pressure in my uterus and the nurse telling me I was all finished. Now it was time for my Nexplanon implant. I was still so out of it from the medication I didn't feel a thing. I don't remember my arm being bandaged and I barely remember getting wheeled into recover where I slept for another hour. When I woke up I had to change my pad twice and get my blood pressure taken twice and I finally got the IV out. I had no to very little cramping. My bleeding was light and I experienced absolutely no pain. I had no medication to take because I took my antibiotic right before midnight just before the cutoff of not being allowed to eat or drink anything. I was so thirsty I downed three glasses of water and felt like a million dollars afterward.
Being back home was fine. I still had some light bleeding and I was starved. I ate half a pizza to myself and spent the rest of the day on the couch watching tv with very mild cramps here and there.
My abortion experience was absolutely wonderful. The staff was positive and supportive. My friends were supportive and the excruciating pain I was expecting turned out to be no pain at all. But then again I cannot speak for everyone out there.
My pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted. I felt grief because I know I was aborting an innocent baby but it was the right choice for me. There are still so many children waiting to be adopted and some of them never do. Some of them end up in foster care. Some are abused. Some go starving. I knew I didn't want to put my child through that because I could not 100% guarantee that they would go to a good home and I don't have the mental...soundness (if that's the right way to put it I don't know) to know that I have a child out there in the world that I cannot take care of. But even though I felt guilty I was relieved. And I sleep soundly at night knowing I made the right decision.
From time to time I'll post more on my recovery and my life after the abortion. So if I helped you in any way please stay posted<3
I arrived at the clinic at 9:30 a.m. and five minutes later I was taken into the recovery room where I was to sit and wait for my IV. I took advantage of the heating pad and reclining chair and made myself comfortable. When it was finally my turn for the IV insertion I was extremely nervous. It was going to by my first one and I didn't know what to expect. The most uncomfortable part was the tourniquet. The needle was a bit of a pinch but nothing to bad. After it was all done I sat there for another hour before I was taken into the operating room. My nurse from the previous day was there and nice as ever. I was told to remove my bottoms and lie on the table. It was freezing so she gave me a blanket and let me recline my feet. The doctor was going to be a while because she was doing another procedure so my nurse put on some smooth jazz and let me relax. Except I couldn't relax. The back pain I was experiencing was normal but I just could not get comfortable. After a half hour of waiting alone my nurse came back in and talked to me. It relaxed me a lot more than anything else. Just five minutes after that I was given an oxygen mask and my first dosage of my conscious sedation. The last thing I remember was asking "Am I going to die?" and the nurse replying "One day but today is not your day."
Fifteen minutes later I was woken up by a soft pressure in my uterus and the nurse telling me I was all finished. Now it was time for my Nexplanon implant. I was still so out of it from the medication I didn't feel a thing. I don't remember my arm being bandaged and I barely remember getting wheeled into recover where I slept for another hour. When I woke up I had to change my pad twice and get my blood pressure taken twice and I finally got the IV out. I had no to very little cramping. My bleeding was light and I experienced absolutely no pain. I had no medication to take because I took my antibiotic right before midnight just before the cutoff of not being allowed to eat or drink anything. I was so thirsty I downed three glasses of water and felt like a million dollars afterward.
Being back home was fine. I still had some light bleeding and I was starved. I ate half a pizza to myself and spent the rest of the day on the couch watching tv with very mild cramps here and there.
My abortion experience was absolutely wonderful. The staff was positive and supportive. My friends were supportive and the excruciating pain I was expecting turned out to be no pain at all. But then again I cannot speak for everyone out there.
My pregnancy was unplanned and unwanted. I felt grief because I know I was aborting an innocent baby but it was the right choice for me. There are still so many children waiting to be adopted and some of them never do. Some of them end up in foster care. Some are abused. Some go starving. I knew I didn't want to put my child through that because I could not 100% guarantee that they would go to a good home and I don't have the mental...soundness (if that's the right way to put it I don't know) to know that I have a child out there in the world that I cannot take care of. But even though I felt guilty I was relieved. And I sleep soundly at night knowing I made the right decision.
From time to time I'll post more on my recovery and my life after the abortion. So if I helped you in any way please stay posted<3
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Laminaria Insertion
So today was my laminaria insertion (tiny rods that dilate your cervix) and I was so effing nervous you wouldn't even believe. The thought of getting three shots in my cervix then three rods stuck up there to open it up! No thanks! But I got to the office and checked in and waited a bit and soon it was my turn.
The nurse that was with me was honestly the nicest and most understand lady I could ever ask for. She answered all my questions and will also be there the day for my procedure which I'm so grateful for. But anyway I was to remove my pants and have a pad ready in my underwear and wait for the doctor to come in. At this point I felt like I had jumping beans bouncing around my stomach. The doctor came in and introduced herself and her medical student (who had to have thought I was the biggest baby ever) and she talked to me about my birth control choice and then went into what was going to be happening today. She did a cervical exam with her fingers. I suspect her nails were a little bit longer because it kind of pinched. After that it went just like a pelvic exam. My vagina was held open so she could view my cervix which was honestly the worst part. She cleaned my cervix with a bit of soap and let me take a few minutes to calm my nerves. The nurse held my hand and asked me about my job and even though her intentions were only the best my attention was still on the three shots of numbing injection I was getting. The first one was barely a pinch, The second was a little more, and the third one hurt only the smallest bit. They kept me talking and I could not even feel the laminaria being put in. I felt some pressure but I experienced no pain.
My nurse helped me get dressed and wipe the blood and got me in a wheel chair. I asked her if she has ever been in my situation and we talked all through my recovery about how we know we made the best choice to abort. But, anyway, recovery was 15 minutes. I got a heating pad and a blanket, some water, and something to snack on. The cramps at this point were not too bad. Just bad period pains at this point. I was allowed to leave after the 15 minutes was up and standing actually made the pain almost go away completely.
The car ride home wasn't too bad. I got the ringing in my ears that the doctor told me I might experience from the numbing injection. Right after that started I had to hang my head out the window (it was 19 degrees where I live). I was hot and sweaty and felt sick. After a minute I was back to normal and experiencing very bad period cramps. I only had camps like that once before so it wasn't unbearable. The worst is when I got home. Just an hour later I was in so much pain and discomfort. I opened up my window and could not be in one position for more than 30 seconds. This was way worse than period pains. I felt so sick I couldn't swallow one of the ibuprofens they had given me. I was finally able to choke on down and about fifteen minutes later I was able to sit still. About fifteen minutes after that I fell asleep. I woke up a few times with cramps but nothing bad and fell back to sleep. I woke up for good around 7:45 p.m. and took another ibuprofen even though the pain wasn't too bad. I still haven't taken the 4 antibiotic I needed to take at dinner but I was feeling to sick to even drink water at dinner time so I decided to wait until about 9:30 to take them with a few slices of pizza. **you MUST eat when you take these pills. they will get you sick and if you throw them back up you just wasted them**
None of the laminaria have fallen out. Cramps very from time to time. And I really don't want to eat or anything. But like I've said this is what's best for me and I'm at peace with my decision. No turning back now.
The nurse that was with me was honestly the nicest and most understand lady I could ever ask for. She answered all my questions and will also be there the day for my procedure which I'm so grateful for. But anyway I was to remove my pants and have a pad ready in my underwear and wait for the doctor to come in. At this point I felt like I had jumping beans bouncing around my stomach. The doctor came in and introduced herself and her medical student (who had to have thought I was the biggest baby ever) and she talked to me about my birth control choice and then went into what was going to be happening today. She did a cervical exam with her fingers. I suspect her nails were a little bit longer because it kind of pinched. After that it went just like a pelvic exam. My vagina was held open so she could view my cervix which was honestly the worst part. She cleaned my cervix with a bit of soap and let me take a few minutes to calm my nerves. The nurse held my hand and asked me about my job and even though her intentions were only the best my attention was still on the three shots of numbing injection I was getting. The first one was barely a pinch, The second was a little more, and the third one hurt only the smallest bit. They kept me talking and I could not even feel the laminaria being put in. I felt some pressure but I experienced no pain.
My nurse helped me get dressed and wipe the blood and got me in a wheel chair. I asked her if she has ever been in my situation and we talked all through my recovery about how we know we made the best choice to abort. But, anyway, recovery was 15 minutes. I got a heating pad and a blanket, some water, and something to snack on. The cramps at this point were not too bad. Just bad period pains at this point. I was allowed to leave after the 15 minutes was up and standing actually made the pain almost go away completely.
The car ride home wasn't too bad. I got the ringing in my ears that the doctor told me I might experience from the numbing injection. Right after that started I had to hang my head out the window (it was 19 degrees where I live). I was hot and sweaty and felt sick. After a minute I was back to normal and experiencing very bad period cramps. I only had camps like that once before so it wasn't unbearable. The worst is when I got home. Just an hour later I was in so much pain and discomfort. I opened up my window and could not be in one position for more than 30 seconds. This was way worse than period pains. I felt so sick I couldn't swallow one of the ibuprofens they had given me. I was finally able to choke on down and about fifteen minutes later I was able to sit still. About fifteen minutes after that I fell asleep. I woke up a few times with cramps but nothing bad and fell back to sleep. I woke up for good around 7:45 p.m. and took another ibuprofen even though the pain wasn't too bad. I still haven't taken the 4 antibiotic I needed to take at dinner but I was feeling to sick to even drink water at dinner time so I decided to wait until about 9:30 to take them with a few slices of pizza. **you MUST eat when you take these pills. they will get you sick and if you throw them back up you just wasted them**
None of the laminaria have fallen out. Cramps very from time to time. And I really don't want to eat or anything. But like I've said this is what's best for me and I'm at peace with my decision. No turning back now.
The Days In Between
The days in between my first appointment and my second and third were scary and emotional. I spent hours thinking about it. I felt horrible for my baby but I knew I was still going to go through with it.
I spent hours and hours on the internet researching the procedure and looking for stories on the dilation and evacuation procedure. Most of the stories I found were from women who had to get it done due to fetus abnormalities. I did not find one about an unwanted pregnancy. They all wanted their pregnancy but couldn't go through with bringing a child who wouldn't survive into the world but I read them anyway. I was scared about the pain and if I was going to remember the procedure or feel anything during it. Some women felt pain during the lameneria process and some didn't and for some it was just uncomfortable. Some women were awake during the procedure and felt pain, some were awake and felt nothing, some were awake and were uncomfortable, some were asleep and felt absolutely nothing. No matter what I searched for I could not find a solid answer. Why? Because it all mattered on how your body and mind reacted to what was going on. I was scared of the unknown and have never felt any type of extreme pain. I was looking for reassurance but out of everything I found most women felt little to nothing at all especially if they were taken care of properly and with comfort. It did put my mind to ease a little but I was still nervous.
So to any woman that is reading this because they are scared and looking for comfort know that I cannot tell you what it is going to feel like for you because everyone is different. Hopefully my experience will at least comfort you and let you know you're not alone and no matter what everything will work out and life will go on. If you have any questions regarding my experience please feel free to email me. I will answer everything honestly and with an open heart.
I spent hours and hours on the internet researching the procedure and looking for stories on the dilation and evacuation procedure. Most of the stories I found were from women who had to get it done due to fetus abnormalities. I did not find one about an unwanted pregnancy. They all wanted their pregnancy but couldn't go through with bringing a child who wouldn't survive into the world but I read them anyway. I was scared about the pain and if I was going to remember the procedure or feel anything during it. Some women felt pain during the lameneria process and some didn't and for some it was just uncomfortable. Some women were awake during the procedure and felt pain, some were awake and felt nothing, some were awake and were uncomfortable, some were asleep and felt absolutely nothing. No matter what I searched for I could not find a solid answer. Why? Because it all mattered on how your body and mind reacted to what was going on. I was scared of the unknown and have never felt any type of extreme pain. I was looking for reassurance but out of everything I found most women felt little to nothing at all especially if they were taken care of properly and with comfort. It did put my mind to ease a little but I was still nervous.
So to any woman that is reading this because they are scared and looking for comfort know that I cannot tell you what it is going to feel like for you because everyone is different. Hopefully my experience will at least comfort you and let you know you're not alone and no matter what everything will work out and life will go on. If you have any questions regarding my experience please feel free to email me. I will answer everything honestly and with an open heart.
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